The need to be in control is often rooted in unresolved trauma, particularly experiences that left us feeling powerless, unsafe, or uncertain. This trauma response emerges as a way to protect ourselves and create a sense of safety and stability in our lives. However, it can also have profound and unintended consequences, particularly in family dynamics.

Why the Need to Control is a Trauma Response

When we experience trauma—whether it’s rooted in childhood, relationships, or systemic factors—our nervous system develops patterns to keep us safe. Control becomes one of those patterns because:

1. Control Feels Like Safety

• • If you grew up in an environment where chaos, unpredictability, or neglect were common, you may have learned to take control of situations to create a sense of order.
  • For example, children in unstable households often become hyper-responsible, learning to anticipate and fix problems to avoid negative outcomes.

1. Control is a Way to Avoid Vulnerability

• • Trauma often leaves us feeling exposed and unsafe. By trying to control people or situations, we avoid the discomfort of uncertainty and vulnerability.
  • If we’re in control, we believe we can protect ourselves from pain, rejection, or failure.

1. It’s a Response to Powerlessness

• • Trauma can make us feel helpless. Taking control becomes a way to reclaim power and avoid ever feeling powerless again.
  • However, this often leads to overcompensation, where we take responsibility for things that aren’t ours to carry.

1. Control Masks Deep-Seated Fears

• • Underneath the need for control lies fear—fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, or being seen as incapable.
  • This fear often stems from early messages or experiences that taught us our worth is tied to our ability to “hold it together” for others.

How the Need to Control Impacts Family Dynamics

While the need for control may stem from a desire to protect or provide stability, it can create imbalances and dysfunction in relationships, particularly within families:

1. It Creates Dependency

• • When one person in a family takes on the role of the “fixer” or the “rescuer,” others often become dependent on them.
  • This prevents family members from developing their own problem-solving skills or taking responsibility for their actions.

1. It Leads to Resentment

• • The person who takes control may begin to feel unappreciated or burdened by the weight of responsibility.
  • Meanwhile, other family members may feel stifled or resentful of the fixer’s control, leading to conflict.

1. It Reinforces Dysfunctional Patterns

• • The need to control often stems from unresolved family wounds, and without healing, these patterns are passed down through generations.
  • For example, a parent who over-controls their children may inadvertently teach them that they’re not capable of making decisions, perpetuating a cycle of dependence and insecurity.

1. It Stifles Authentic Connection

• • True intimacy and connection require vulnerability and trust. The need to control can block this because it creates rigid roles within the family—such as the fixer, the Sweet One, or the Destroyer that prevent authentic expression and mutual support.

1. It Erodes Boundaries

• • In trying to “fix” or control others, personal boundaries often get blurred. This can lead to enmeshment, where individuals lose sight of where they end, and others begin.
  • Over time, this dynamic can create tension and burnout for the fixer while stunting the growth of those around them.

How This Plays into the Fixer and Sovereign Archetypes

The Fixer embodies the need to control. They take on responsibilities that aren’t theirs, often out of fear or a desire to feel valued. While this can make them dependable and resourceful, it also leaves them drained and disconnected from their own needs.

The Sovereign One, on the other hand, has healed this need for control. They trust themselves and others, set clear boundaries, and lead with confidence—not out of fear, but from a place of inner strength and clarity.

In stepping into sovereignty, you can release the burden of control, empower your family members to take responsibility for their own lives, and create relationships built on trust and mutual respect.

This journey isn’t about abandoning your family or ignoring their needs—it’s about honoring your own well-being while supporting others in a healthier, more sustainable way.

If this is resonating with you, then this masterclass is for you.